meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
