Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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