dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
