moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize