i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
