i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize