id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
