Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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