I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
two words...techno handjob
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize