Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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