i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize