I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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