I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
