Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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