Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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