3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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