How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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