The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
