I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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