I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
