i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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