god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
