"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
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