every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
