I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
They are going to name an STD after you.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
