quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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