I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
