Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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