I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
