she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
