Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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