Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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