New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
