i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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