i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
