I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
