nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize