you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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