I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
