how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
