when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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