you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
PANTIES FOUND
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