well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
