You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
