i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
