I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
