I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
we made out on top of his cat.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
