I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
