Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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