My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
