I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
