just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
