I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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