There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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