I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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